TILL cannibals do us part Elhassan: Jojo Altine

It is the year 2030 in second world Nigeria. 280 aspiring Senators and Representatives for the National Assembly have successfully passed the three-hour webinar and Skype interview on eight core modules namely Basic Sciences, Current Affairs, Legal Studies, Poverty Mitigation Techniques, Household Ecology  of  Financial Regression, Sustainable Financial Management and Control, Investment Appraisal, Communication and Key Skills. Our candidates have also enjoyed the hospitality of various motels in the nation’s capital; Kaduna, the hotbed of the North and are set for the final interview at the National Arena as stipulated under the Nigerian law that mandates candidates to fully engage and excel in fields activities to validate practical dexterity and intellectual proficiencies.

The field activities are strategically designed to promote swift and rational thinking in the face of complex challenges that have kept a majority of middle and lower class families waltzing through endless balls of adversity whilst constantly trying to douse the flames of the menace labelled poverty. It is hoped that these activities at the National Arena, a brainchild from the Ministry of Youth & Social Development and endorsed by 97% of the Nigerian populace would meet its goal of exposing aspirants to some curve balls most Nigerians tackle whilst toiling at a range of occupations from dusk to dawn in a bid to attain some sustainable form of livelihood.

It is further hoped the proposed activity will ascertain fitness-stamina levels amongst other criteria so the nation experiences an extraordinary decline of the norm and an overflow of mobile, solution driven intellects capable of resolving the fixed multidimensional challenges that has plagued the nation since Independence.

Results of the aforementioned should fulfil the secondary objective which is a verification of mental capacities against stamina levels in the face of unanticipated crisis especially for those with muscles enfeebled from spa treatments received over the weekend.

It is envisaged a weather friendly Monday morning accompanies aspirants to the National Arena specially built for this purpose. Ushers are none other than 40 registered cannibals living on the brink of an endangered Amazon forest who warmly welcome guests with warm smiles and filed teeth. Dismay not for they would have sworn oaths to traditional rulers across the 16 geopolitical zones not to indulge in what could potentially be a nourishing feast and also signed blood covenants not to devour the work in progress lawmakers kitted in three accessories: drive, dark green shorts and Nike sneakers. These are mandatory regalia that may hasten movements and fairly limit guaranteed trips from candidates who may wish to showcase marathon skills to densely populated spectators who booked two months in advance to secure seats in the National Arena.

The jury would comprise of dignitaries such as Wole Soyinka, Aliko Dangote, Oby Ezekwilisi, Ngozi Okonjo Iwela, Chiamanda Ngozi Adichie, Nwankwo Kanu and Enoch Adeboye who would declare the event open after Aliko Dangote has crooned the anthem with vocal support from 2Face, Dbanj, Lagbaja, Mavin crew, P-square, Shina Peters and Terry G. They would also provide unending hip hop that would stir the feet of both spectators and aspirants. The jury having volunteered complimentary services would be offered choice seats that would swing and recline for maximum view from a safe distance.

Invited international and indigenous paparazzi will include Aljazeera, BBC, CNN, NTA International, AIT, Channels, Silverbird and radio stations including Hot and Cool FMs. It is hoped most get a chance to watch the event live at least once a lifetime having considered tonnes of related pleas, advice and suggestions.

Contestants would be bathed in chloroquine syrup to prevent tear and wear for some obstinate cannibals who may chance a lick when they eventually catch up with the slow. Calm your beating heart reader and acknowledge what the cannibals have signed to:

1. A no-consumption clause for the shades of meat on the run. This is because management has a zero tolerance for any bite or scratch. However, hugs and pecks from cannibals are permitted and encouraged.

2. Terrify sufficiently to stimulate brain cells, bottom and possibly activate upper limbs.


Immediately the artistes in no particular order turn up the steam, spectators shall appreciate the art of Physical Education. Oby Ezekwilisi would play a supervisory role to ensure proceedings run smoothly and participants heed to health and safety protocol as medical aid is limited to a ten litre keg of iodine, a five litre container of spirit, some balls of cotton wool and glucose tablets to boost energy levels as and when necessary.

At the conclusion of the hour long exercise, Nwankwo Kanu would end proceedings with an amplified whistle whilst Chiamanda Ngozi Adichie unlatches the door to release all especially the slow who failed by fainting or falling thrice or more. This group would be eliminated whilst bona fide athletes would be awarded handshakes and certificates from Ngozi and Wole who would have sat through proceedings with disgusted looks on their faces. The winners though shall proceed to the second stage, a thirty minute Q & A session chaired by both judges.

The imported but NAFDAC endorsed cannibals would be given a drink of Nestle water and bush meat heavily laced with sedatives. On maximum consumption, all would be further sedated, strapped on planes and exported back to the Amazon.

It is believed the next batch of statesmen willing to run any race would know forehand the efficacy of this Self Developing and Empowering project that tests the mental strength of individuals especially in the wake of crisis. Hopefully, future aspirants will embark on apt self-examinations prior to public displays of largely fictional athletic prowess and mental incompetence on a grand scale. I reckon this is the best way to choose individuals that would do us proud in the political arena….  I remain positive a majority support this based on feedback from the future.

  • Sesugh Mker

    Wow! What an interesting piece. My imagination was awakened as I read through, smiling periodically at the thought that I wished this to be real and now. I’ve always admired your writing skills; now I applaud this sci-fi movie-worthy imaginative ability you’ve got. Keep it up, Jojo!

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