Xena’s Ultimate Quest – Elhassan: Jojo.Altine

Xena the Warrior Princess was drunk with rage yet cloaked in her usual stern black outfit. Lost in thoughts, she was furious at Hercules’ constant philandering ways and the embarassment he caused her by chasing lowly maidens. While stomping her way up Mount Olympus to visit her father-in-law she thought of suitable punishment such as gouging out his eyes- that way he couldn’t see and therefore couldn’t be tempted. If she were to achieve such a feat, she would have to be crafty, perhaps lace his evening drink with a potion to render him motionless, that seemed the best option as a man of his strength was hard to keep still any other way. She would be damned if she joined the exclusive coven of bitter, longsuffering wives! She couldn’t even navigate through his most recent misdeeds, such was her current world- the man just left her tongue tied and completely exasperated.. Kicking off a rather large stone off her path, she grimaced as the pain shot up her leg. The adulterer had better be home to massage her foot or rather feet when she returned.

Determined to steer her thoughts towards positive themes, she made a conscious effort to conjure up positive deeds her ‘beloved’ had performed recently. Sadly and not surprising, her mind drew a blank picture. Further infuriated by this realization, she stomped harder to her destination while her five best friends, Wonderwoman, Catwoman, Jane, Storm and Mystique hurriedly tried to keep up with her pace.

‘Someone inform Xena she is journeying with people not animals,’ Mystique hissed.

‘Leave her be, you know how she gets when she gets into her moods,’ Wonderwoman replied back.

‘Well someone remind her to at least show some mercy for the ground, farmers depend on the soil for their livelihood,’ Mystique snapped.

‘If anyone had informed me my husband was sleeping with an ungainly excuse of a mermaid residing at the bottom of the sea; I would stomp worse than that!’ Wonderwoman defended her best friend rather hotly.

‘I don’t know why most men are so unreliable and egotistical. They frankly not that cool.’  Storm remarked.

‘Zeus would fix this…..’ Wonderwoman remarked gently, stupefied at Hercules’ recent errant transgressions.

‘I don’t see Zeus condemning his son- his ultimate favorite child I might add, to Xena’s barbaric wishes,’ Storm informed Wonderwoman pointedly.

‘But he may be kind enough to leave him brain dead,’ Catwoman offered

‘Of what use is a brain-dead man?’ Storm asked.

Meanwhile, Jane was lounged in the back seat of the carriage, clutching her six month old bush-baby whilst enjoying the scenery of majestic mountains with white clouds floating around. She had sacrificed so much for Tarzan and he chose to repay her by not bringing her here. This had been her ideal honeymoon location but Tarzan had suggested Mufasa’s lair citing security issues with the jungle militia, ISIS and Al Qaeda. Story! He was going to have the length of her tongue on return to that jungle of a home.

‘Say something Jane!’ Catwoman snapped, hurling a pebble towards Jane’s head.
‘I hope you do realize I’m carrying an infant here? Xena should have asked Thor, Bat, Iron or Superman to fly us up rather than allowing us journey like newly captured  slaves!’

‘You are impossible Jane! Forgotten they were his groomsmen? Childbirth must have laced up your wits!!’ Wonderwoman rejoined

Wonderwoman was clueless; Jane wondered how she would fare when Superman legitimized his intercontinental affairs. At least Hercules was landlocked with no hopes of flying unlike the  super who flew Singapore -Burundi seven days a week rescuing only damsels. She grimaced at the murky future Wonderwoman was bent on having with the thrice divorced bloke.
‘Xena! Aren’t we there yet??’ Jane yelled.

‘This is where we walk Jane. Let me have my godson for a bit?’ Xena reappeared, scooping him up.

‘Good grief! Is that Thor and Achilles approaching? Where were they before Tarzan?’ Jane wailed.

‘Means Bond, Bat, Iron and Supermen are here….’ Catwoman mused

‘Nah, James would turn up in his usual grand manner later…’ Storm drawled


‘Do shut up your mortal eyes and mouth Jane- Medusa also approaches!’ Mystique interjected. But Jane opened all three immediately she felt a warm peck on her cheek. ‘Welcome Coward,’ she greeted the chuckling Invisible Woman. ‘Now we are complete!’ She grumbled though as Xena deposited herself and child with Hulk, the security-guard. ‘So I miss everything?’ she moaned.

‘You’ll meet Zeus someday,’ Xena promised.

‘Go give Herc hell girl!’

‘I shall,’ Xena whispered, hugging Jane tightly. She left with the girls only to walk straight into Thor and Achilles at the shoulder of the mountain. She rolled her eyes before spitting venom at the pair who pleaded on Hercule’s behalf.


Zeus admired how Xena thumped Hercules’ friends  as she advanced closer. ‘Explain why your waist remains in vibration mode with obese Ursula at the bottom of the sea Hercules? You think you can’t drown or I don’t see that far? Pray say why you go hunting for her in such great depths without saying hello to your Uncle-Poseidon! You completely lost your manners boy?’

Casting a glare at a still mute Hercules, Zeus examined a request that had just popped in from the pile of new entries then tossed it and over ten billion unreasonable prayer requests into the bank leading to Hades. The humans were wearing him out with their bizarre requests, he needed an elixir just to focus.

‘To your Mother whilst I pacify Xena; through that door NOW

Daughter Xena: my indefatigable Princess!’ hailed Zeus. ‘How was your trip?

Xena winced as Bonds’ sirens made speech impossible.

‘Ah, the Bond boy has arrived…..’

‘Yeah, James.  I  need Hercules stationery whilst I detach his eyes Dad,’

‘Repeat yourself darling; didn’t hear you- Bond is so loud!’

Xena stared Zeus until he grinned. Barricading her fury, she knew she would get results this time.
Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this short story are those of Elhassan: Altine Jojo & bears no relation nor reflect or represent the views and opinions held by fictional characters, living or deceased namesakes of characters aforementioned.

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