If you were like me, a 21-year-old sassy and trending Burundian influencer whose phone is about to die and is stranded on a road trip with an eccentric and nearly-dysfunctional family, you would get comfortable in your seat and simply ask, “Are we there yet?” But my dad burst into tears and completely lost it. With his laughter being so contagious, Kyle, my nine-year-old cousin blurted that I didn’t listen to him when he talked and that I made disturbing gestures that would make one cringe so hard. With Kyle being a complete moron, Mum – while feeding our little pup, Dee-Dee – hit him with that sharp “STOP THAT” tongue that would make one invest their finances into dark poetry.
Was it a dumb question? I mean yes, it probably was.
Did it hurt me? No! Why? I hit them with the Uno Skip Card. Yeah, that’s right! Their judgment just got blocked! I ignored it because I was not only about to become the most famous influencer on Tizzy at where we were heading, but I had just bought Bombshell sportswear leggings for it that I wanted to wear the moment we arrive. You have to be ignorant of a lot of things because you ought to be self-aware of who you are, and nothing else. You are something spectacular that no one can dare take their eyes off. You are someone that everyone must sacrifice something for. Even if it means taking a non-stop 5,000-kilometer road trip adventure from Bujumbura to the Volta Region in Ghana in a hybrid-electric Nissan Armada with a crazy Dad, a lactose-intolerant Mom, a psychotic little beast, and a clumsy puppy.
Of all the insane things my dad could come up with, this was frankly his best. Why? Have you ever been to the airport lately? Before you get to the ticket counter, they would have to see that you are negatively tested for Iota, Xi, IOP-222, DS-VTA, LALA, Uvil, Edgar33, NuNu, Phi-29, Helton18, 24Carrut, and SARS-TO-SARS. Then after you get down from the plane, the nurses would have to test you again for it.
Not to mention that every hotel and hostel in Ghana was booked just because there was going to be a huge party in the Metaverse when we crossed over to 2036. Everyone has been “on-goggles”(online). Nobody ever goes out to breathe the sweet-non-scented fresh air, the wretched stench from the gutter, and…well to even build a treehouse. And what was much more interesting was that content creators were finding it difficult to look for the best place to chill when we crossed. But I finally found it. It was Wli Falls. I heard that it was the most beautiful place to see the great fireworks as the colours blended into the river to make it so lovely and interestingly-synchronic to see that one couldn’t stop staring at it. My friends were telling me that I shouldn’t go because it was messed up.
Ignored! They were just not interested.
This is how to get great content to post on Tizzy. Tizzy became one of the most popular social media apps after Instagram and Tik-Tok died out. People were just dancing and it got boring to some point. But on Tizzy, you can post anything that influences you and make money out of it. It’s flipping fantastic!
Anyway, so we were riding on the dusty roads that had massive potholes on them. They were enough to make Kyle’s wheat drink spill. My Dad got hungry along the way and he noticed that the car battery percentage was getting low. It was not long until we found a gas station where we saw a sign displaying the words: “If Venus is a Star; And I live there; does that make me a Celebrity?” My Dad wanted to refill but he noticed that there was a big pink and white ribbon tied to all the Fuel dispensers and wrote on it, “About to get married”. The fuel nozzles were not even available. My Dad rushed to the gas station workers to ask what the heck was that. One of them said the owner of the Gas Station is Chief Agbenyo and it was to be used for a wedding ceremony. He got livid quickly and complained about how lousy the economy was. Mum came in to humbly ask them to help, but they couldn’t. And she joined in to create a heated argument. If there is one thing you should never forget, it is that any abnormal thing that you see happening around, you put it on Tizzy. This is a great way of getting a stepping stone into becoming ignorant because you don’t get to listen to their complaints, worries, and issues. You simply take everything they do as a joke. You open the app and you video everything that goes on. I uploaded the video on my channel and I got like 20 views in just 10 minutes. Oh yeah, if you want to follow me, then follow me +NinZzzzz. My channel is growing, my last video just had 12 likes. So, at the end of it all, Dad couldn’t get the gas and so we had to continue our journey. At least Mum got us snacks.
Great news! It was over! Now we were on our way to a nearby toll booth, but Kyle whined that he wanted to pee. Dad hesitated to stop because he wanted to see the baboons on the road people were talking about. We travelled for hours and hours and Kyle was ready to release the Kraken on the back seat. When Kyle said that he was doing it, Dad immediately parked the car next to some scrupulous and dusty bushes and took Kyle out so that he could finish. It turned out that Dad wanted to pee too as well. Who knew that peeing was such a contagious thing? Mum exited the car to buy bread and coconut juice from the hawkers next to us. It was not long until hordes of women dressed in black and red were returning from the funeral they attended. They were heading in the direction Dad and Kyle were peeing. The moment Dad saw them, he quickly zipped up, grabbed Kyle by the arms, and got him inside the car. He sparked the vehicle quickly, got to where Mum was and picked her up. Remember the rule of thumb I shared. Always. Put. It. On. Tizzy.
And we were back on the road, looking through the trees and the beautiful mountains. And funny enough, we actually saw the baboons on the street. See, sometimes, you must have a little faith in any situation you wind up in because you might never expect it from the start. You should have so many high expectations for yourself that even when a baboon throws a coconut husk at the window. Dee-Dee would jump out of the car to go and show that rotten animal some manners. And that’s exactly what happened. Dad had to stop the car so we looked for her…
And so, after a long and tiresome journey, we made it. Google Maps had finally told us that we had arrived at our destination. Dad parked the car and we all grabbed our things, excited to be there. I couldn’t believe that we made it.
We later got back into the car and we all just sat there, silent for a while because our minds were blown away by the fact that the tour guide took us through a scary and interesting journey through the dusty and dry forest only to witness plastic bottles, torn leather dresses, broken wooden strips, rubber bags, and more. They had engulfed the entire lake under the waterfall. It made it filthy with so many kinds of flies on it. I mean it wasn’t a big deal. After all, I read that the country produces one million tons of plastic and they ended up throwing like forty per cent of them into the sea. Plus, the tourist guides had recently shared that people generally didn’t come to these places anymore or even go outside. They were too busy in their rooms, virtually connecting to people around the world in the Metaverse. It seemed like everybody had just abandoned the world that they were made in to take care of and had shifted to a whole new world. Wow…just…wow.
Oh, but guess what! We saw the fireworks as time passed. So long 2035 and hello 2036. A new year means more people to over-populate the planet. So, we were sitting in the car and watching the fireworks from a distance. And…it was nice. If you would excuse me, I am going to the Meta party.
Read – Ajagbá, Get Behind Me – A Short Story by Jemmimah Gana, Nigeria
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It’s a nice piece of story. At certain points I felt difficult trying to understand some of the words as they aren’t everyday- used words. I like how it ended, the title was perfect.
Thank you so much for your honest feedback Daniel. I would work on making it easier to read upon my upcoming short stories.
I really liked your piece. You kept me hooked till the end. But one thing I enjoy a lot is how you said a ” Burundian influencer”. Keep up.
Thank you so so much, Eddy. It really means so much to me. Even though I am a Ghanaian, I love to be very diverse and think about my lovely African brothers and sisters across the continent.