It is midnight again and Samu is not yet home. I absent-mindedly rub at the goosebumps on my arms and shiver a little. It is a chilly night, yet the shivers seem to be completely unrelated to the cold. A stray dog barks in the distance; closer still, there is the sound of glass breaking. Somehow these sounds have become familiar; over the months they have come closest to being confidants. Most nights they keep me company, we vigilantly wait for the sky to get even darker so that Samu can finally come home. Sleepiness stings my eyes; my weary body begs for sleep, but Samu is the man I love and so I wait.
The night light casts a shadow on the carpeted floor through the window I opened to keep me awake. I try to make sense of the shadow formed and my mind gives up a few minutes later. I smile in nostalgia, remembering when Samu and I first met. He was extremely good at riddles and I was quite the problem solver. For some reason, no matter how hard I racked my brain, I hardly solved any of his riddles. I guess that’s why I completely hated his guts when we first met. That and the fact that he walked with such confidence and ease. It didn’t help that I found him attractive. In hindsight, I think I hated that he threatened my intelligence in such a nonchalant way that even hating him seemed wrong, and of course that infuriated me further. Somehow, during that class trip we took, the line between hate and love magically thinned out. Slowly, we became more friends than enemies and later, more lovers than friends – must have been something about how opposites attract.
When we got back to campus two weeks later, we had hung out long enough to miss each other’s company. Unfortunately, exam season had just descended upon the campus and we somehow drifted apart, each on a mission to secure their degree. Many days later, Samu bumped into me outside campus and needless to say, we picked up right where we left off. He walked me from my dormitory to the cafeteria; we shared a plate of food occasionally as all love birds do; mokimo was our favourite meal. I unwillingly fell head over heels in love with this man. I put up a fight initially; to me, emotions are for the weak, but soon enough I came to realize I wasn’t going to win that fight and resigned to what fate had in store for me.
A muscle cramp on my leg brings me back to reality, I look at the watch and realize that I’ve been sitting in this one position for 45 minutes. Samu is still not home; even the stray dog has resigned to silence. I feel the fear creep into my heart, an icy grip that makes it hard for me to breathe. It hasn’t always been this way, only recently has fear been my default emotion when thinking of Samu. Five months after the class trip, he and I had become so inseparable such that it made the most sense to move in together. It was amazing really, living together much like a fairytale. I hadn’t had much of those and I welcomed the feeling with open arms – perhaps too eagerly.
When I first began to know Samu, I discovered that he was quite introverted, even more introverted than I was. I always thought that was one of the reasons we took to each other so well. Another thing I loved was how protective he was. I hadn’t ever had that much amount of care directed at me. Soon I was so deep in love I couldn’t remember how I had ever survived before then. And just like any other kind of love, I overlooked some things, banged doors, raised voices, insults. It was okay because I loved him. He loved me too, he always reassured me…after he had calmed down.
One night, Samu came back home completely drunk. He was unable to continue with school; financial difficulties at home, he had said. That was the beginning of the downward spiral; a drunken Samu slowly became a common occurrence. Then the violence swept in, and it still amazes me how quickly life turned into a nightmare.
From afar, I hear someone fumble with the gate – it’s him. I can hear footsteps climb up the stairs now. They sound more like a person carrying the weight of the whole world on his shoulders; a weight I’m willing to bear with him, but I’m not allowed to. I slowly walk to the door, and stop by the mirror. I observe the fear in my eyes – a strange sight. And my face, I look tired like I have aged overnight.
I’m surprised as to when things got this bad. Where have I seen this face before? The memory comes to me at once, almost painfully, as vivid as a dream. A drunken father stumbling past a corrugated wood door in the dead of night. A woman, my mother, waiting quietly opposite the door. Then there is little me, out of my bed, awoken by the noise. I sneeze a little, and she turns swiftly, the fear still stuck in her eyes. Firmly, she gestures at me to go back to bed. I run back to bed, but those scared eyes follow me and haunt me even in my dreams.
I gasp at the irony of life, the cruelty of it all. Bracing myself, I walk to the door. Samu stumbles in. He forcefully grabs my arm and throws me on a chair. I’m taken back to a conversation that took place 17 years ago. “But why do you stay mamii?” I ask after seeing her tend to one of her wounds from the night before. “I love your father Shiro. You wouldn’t understand,” she answers turning away to hide a tear that streams down.
In the present time, Samu begins his assault much like every other night. I zone out as blow after blow rains down on me. I should probably run away and save my life, but Samu is the man I love. I guess it’s a small price to pay.
Tomorrow I know he will apologize because he still loves me.
Read An Unusual Friendship – A Short Story by Fatima Damagum, Nigeria
