I have always thought of life as a scam. How we are suddenly tasked with the notion that life is in our hands immediately after birth is baffling. It took me a while to understand this, but the fact that life is in our hands is probably one of the greatest gifts.
My childhood years were my worst because that was when I was introduced to one of the world’s evils; Defilement. My parents worked long hours and my siblings weren’t home most of the time so I spent my after-school hours at our neighbour’s. One time as I played with my friends, their older brother called me to his room and took off my underwear. He said, “I won’t hurt you, don’t tell anyone, it will be our little secret.”
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I vividly remember the smell of his lotion in that clustered room. I walked home with pain that day. I bled a little but didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t understand what was happening and it didn’t feel like something important. Little did I know that this was a wound I would spend my whole life nursing.
During my second encounter with defilement, one night my close cousin carried me from my room to his. I was awake but couldn’t stop him. The familiar sharp stub in my groin got me numb, I didn’t move. I still didn’t understand what was happening but deep down I was scared. This became a daily routine for as long as I could remember. When he wasn’t around, I dreamt of him coming to my room. I eventually drowned in the habit of watching pornography and compulsive masturbation. As I suffered in silence, I learned that pornography is like a drug, with a short-lived hormonal high which leaves you depressed afterwards. The mind circles back and forth with fantasies that sexualize people, and this was one of my defiler’s sources of madness. I remember stumbling upon a pornographic video that involved a gruesome group rape. After watching it for a few seconds, I realized I was becoming the very thing I dreaded. I felt sick to my stomach and didn’t understand why I couldn’t break from this circle.
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When I got to my teenage threshold, I learned that I had been taken advantage of. I cried myself to sleep the day I realized it. The realization hit me hard and the scenes repeatedly played back in my head. I hated myself for not speaking up, for watching pornography and being stuck in a web no one could see. I got depressed and my grades dropped drastically. My trauma reflected in my relationships with people. I held grudges and developed a violent temper.
Failing my high school exam opened my eyes to the meaning of life. Life is neither kind nor is it fair. One would call it cruel perhaps, but it’s about how you perceive it. The power to control life is in our hands. We get to decide who we want to be, whether we use the past as an excuse not to do better or use it as a stepping stone to new heights.
I missed out on opportunities because I kept referring to my past. The past can’t be changed but we can learn from it. Some people say there’s no general meaning of life, but for me, the meaning of life is about having a better perception of it and realizing that the power is in our hands because only you can decide who you want to be. The past hurts, and the trauma is real, and that means I have scars. Scars don’t bleed; they are a symbol of strength. We can’t change some things and there’s no use bleating over them.
To cherish my tomorrow, I have learned to be proactive and not just reactive. I can’t change what people do to me, but I can choose to have a better perspective towards it. I am more loving, I find joy in the small things, and I don’t let bad days define me. I use the love of my parents and God to keep me going because there is no greater love than what they show me.
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It’s a cold world, but even the coldest ice can melt at the right temperature. I believe there’s good in the world, and that with the realization that the power to create change begins with individual effort, we can foster team effort to make this world a better place. I have a better perspective towards my trauma because of my first-hand experience with pornography. I turned my pity party into a learning experience. I have embarked on a journey to change the world one day at a time by educating people about the effects of pornography. People say it is a sex-positive industry but I think it is a sex-negative industry in the business of making money at the expense of people’s mental health.
We are naturally wired to crave sex, however, we don’t have to fulfill this desire at the expense of others. The power is in our hands to naturally explore on our own without the unrealistic scenes and positions exhibited in pornography.
Despite being seen as a weirdo stepping on peoples’ toes, I believe my experiences shaped me to be the voice of the ones suffering in silence and to contribute to a better tomorrow.
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